An Explanation

I'm sure anyone of you who are on Facebook are wondering what happened to me. The truth is nothing really happened to me. I'm not in the middle of a crisis and don't have time for Facebook. I'm not having relationship/family issues that I need to work on that would require me getting off of Facebook. Really nothing happened.

I love Facebook, and despite what my family thinks, I am NOT on Facebook all the time. I actually don't get on there that much and if I am on there for a while it's usually because I'm chatting with a friend. Sure in my free time while Robert sleeps I might play a game or two on there but that doesn't take that much time. I love the group of ladies on there (you know who you are) that I have become quite close too. I'll miss being able to get on everyday and see how they are and how their families are. I will miss them. I'll miss all the pictures (I absolutely LOVE pictures) of people I don't get to see all the time. And I'll miss talking to/checking up on the only friends I have. I can still do it by phone obviously but that's not the same.

So why did I leave? I'm not really positive myself. It's more a feeling than anything I suppose. I can't really explain it but I will try to explain in this post. But I was thinking about it a lot yesterday and I just felt like I needed a break. So I will go back to Facebook, I just don't know when.

As you all know we recently moved. It's only 7-10 miles from Twin Falls to Hansen (where we are now) but it's a fresh start. We were in Twin since about mid-October 2008, and I still have no friends there. I mean my VT (visiting teacher from church) was nice and I loved her but she's my mom's age. I didn't have any friends there. Neither did Paul. He's too busy working til midnight so we didn't have a chance to have couple friends. And not really seeing him all week I wanted him all to myself on the weekend. So what does this have to do with getting off Facebook? Well I'm getting there. lol

I have friends on Facebook, I love them. Some of them are newer friends and some are friends I've had for a long time. But I never really get to see them. And some of them I'm not sure I'll ever really get to see ever. But I don't have any friends where we live. And now that we have moved I'm hoping for a fresh start. I'm hoping to be more outgoing and more involved in the community and at church. This is not something that's easy for me. I don't make friends easily and I definitely don't talk to people very easily. Heck I struggle to make conversation with my family so imagine how it is for strangers. And if I stay in my little safe zone of Facebook I'm afraid I won't make a good enough effort to meet people and have friends here. So that is one reason I left.

Another thing is I have a lot of free time right now. Robert is in the stage where he is content to lay/sit on the floor and play he doesn't want to be held but I don't have to run around chasing him cuz he isn't that mobile yet. This also means that I don't have much to clean or do around the house except keep an eye on him and keep him entertained. Paul is gone all day and packs dinner/lunch so I don't have to spend time making a dinner, because lets be honest who likes making dinner for one? Not me. I usually whip up something quick and don't bother with a meal you have for more than one person. Anyway I want to find a hobby. I would love to sew but have no machine and can't afford one at the moment. I LOVE to read but I'm struggling with that because it made me sick to read while I was pregnant. I want to be more crafty and use my time constructively, not that I think talking to my friends and seeing how they are isn't constructive, I just mean more constructive here at home.

I also have things I need to work on myself. I have issues. Not a lot of people know. I have horrible self-esteem/self worth issues, among other things but I won't get into the others, which is probably part of why I have a hard time making friends. And that's another reason I left, I just didn't think anyone would care if I was gone they don't talk to me anyway. Well a few do, but most friends I've had since high school and college just seem to think I dropped off the face of the planet when I got married. They never message me, call me, or anything like that. In fact only a small handful still bother to see how I am. And yes I have messaged them but it gets me nowhere, and these were people I thought were close friends. So again I say I thought no one would care or notice I was even gone. A few of you have, and I'm sure if you're reading this you are one of the few people who cared enough to notice, or maybe you didn't notice and you just happened to see this. I even struggle with it within my family, wondering if they really care about me or if they are just required to because they are family.

And thank you so much to the people who asked if everything was ok. You have no idea how much it means to me that you did notice and cared enough to ask me. Re-reading that last paragraph I think I may sound selfish but it is something that I struggle with immensely.

So here I am hobby-less, friendless, and selfishly feeling worthless and being on Facebook isn't helping me change that. I'm comfortable on there. It's routine. It was time for a change. And time to quite worrying and wondering about who my friends really were or if I was just a number to add to their "friends" list.

So now my goal is: To make friends, find more constructive things to do, and work on my personal worth. Hopefully I can make it. And hopefully I'll have worked these things out enough that I can feel confident and comfortable in returning to the land of Facebook. It's going to be hard I know. I've already sat down at the computer to check my email and work on some other things and clicked on the Facebook link in the address bar and getting to the page and realizing, "oh I'm not on Facebook." I do miss it. I miss it more than I thought I would and I think that is because it's so routine and comfortable. I miss the people I love on there but hopefully I'll still be able to talk to them even though I don't have Facebook anymore. Maybe blogging will be my hobby, but I'm too boring to have anything to write about so never mind. . . maybe.

Well I hope that even remotely made a bit of sense. I just feel better having written it and getting it out there, so thanks for reading it means a lot to me.